Satirizing the candidates

Small government is the hallmark of Republican ideas, aside from marriage, drugs, wars, police and military spending. That’s why Donald Trump is the man for the job of presidency. His “small” government beliefs that he has held for almost 8 months, prove that he is dedicated to his views and that they won’t change. He’s going to keep the government small by deporting 11 million people, because that obviously will not require hiring thousands of more ICE employees and he will prove to the world that only Americans live in America, we don’t have room for immigrants here, unless they are being used for construction labor, then we can make some exceptions.

He’s going to keep government small by imprisoning and punishing the dregs of society for daring to smoke or even possess a plant, because, well. Freedom.

Trump knows that the only way to defeat terrorism is to drone strike more children, because then they can’t grow up to be terrorists. Once again, keeping government small, because it’s not like drones cost tax payer dollars, are operated by people paid with tax dollars and also their collateral damage can radicalize more people against the United States.

Trump knows that there’s no such thing as a bad cop, just cops who are a tad bit overzealous in their mandate to serve and protect, by shooting people and having ticket quotas, which are entirely different from mobster protection rackets, it’s not like if you refuse to pay or kiss their boots they would ever kill you or anything. Stop and frisk should not be considered “unconstitutional,” when the Founders wrote the Fourth Amendment saying the government needed a warrant to search you or your property what they really meant was brown people should be allowed to be searched without a warrant, because that’s not Orwellian, its simply making America great again.

Trump has always been against the Iraq War, even when he has said he supported it. Essentially what we see here is a man highly skilled in reverse psychology. He’s basically a doctor of foreign policy. Got a problem? Take two nukes and call him in the morning, you may just come down with a strong case of World Peace.

Obamacare has been a failure, and Trump has a plan to fix it, a plan to fantastically spectacular that he won’t even reveal even one detail about it. It’s almost as if he has no plan, but he’s gonna build a wall, so obviously he knows that he’s talking about with healthcare.

Trump has a plan to fine or imprison any woman who has ever gotten an abortion, because the only real way to prove that you want to protect life is by locking people in cages with rapists and murderers, or just stealing their money.

Unlike career politicians, Trump also doesn’t seek to maintain the status quo. His favorite world leader you ask? Not Ronald Reagan, not Franklin Roosevelt, but Vladimir Putin and Saddam Hussein. Those guys got stuff done. When was the last time you heard of a journalist criticizing Putin? Never, because he does such a great job, and there is always room in Siberia for another labor camp. If they can make Russia and Iraq great again, why are these communist Trump haters so opposed to making America great again?

All in all, Donald J Trump is exactly what is needed to save this country. His firmly held beliefs of the last 24 hours will help keep government small by hiring thousands of public sector employees to deport and imprison people, build nukes and ban trade with the world. He will truly make America great once more, just like we were in 1865.

Government’s role as the answer to all societal ills is the hallmark of Democratic ideas, aside from it starting wars, bombing children, shooting blacks, funding terror groups, wasting money and imprisoning people. That’s why Hillary Clinton is the woman this country so desperately needs as the President of the United States. Her pro-little guy beliefs have everything necessary to actually make this country great again. She’s going to change things up in Washington, by running deficits, passing regulations that close small businesses and by vowing not to use boots on the ground, because drones can kill children just as easily.

Unlike Trump, Clinton loves and accepts immigrants, as the Democratic National Convention emails showed, she fully relates to their culture, even calling Hispanics “taco bowl voters,” just exemplifying her love for them. She will continue the highly successful immigration reforms started under the Obama Administration, which include record high deportation rates, but that’s neither here nor there.

Clinton knows her foreign policy. As Secretary of State she supported and helped carry out numerous billion dollar arms sales to Saudi Arabia, knowing that the only way to help correct and change a state sponsor of terrorism is to give them more bombs. She has the stamina to make the tough choices when they are needed most, like whether or not to keep arming ISIL affiliated terrorist groups. She gave a resounding yes, and has not backed down. America is going to sell weapons to terrorists, and that is that. Leadership.

If you really need proof of her foreign policy, look no further than the success of the countries of Libya and Syria. Clinton helped support the NATO no-fly zones that allowed the government to be removed and replaced with, nothing! Libya now has several competing governments and even an ISIL branch, the Libyan Dawn. So if anything, Clinton is basically a libertarian, she definitely supports smaller government. And Syria? Well that success story speaks for itself. Bombing hospitals and arming rebel groups certainly can help stabilize a country.

Clinton knows that we need an economy that works for the middle class, not this elitist trickle-down theory. By being funded by the biggest banks in the world and accepting donations from large corporations, she is proving she knows how to take them on. It’s just simple reasoning. Clinton knows the hardships everyday Americans go through, as she was once stiffed by a corporation for her speaking fees, only receiving a measly 200,000 dollars.

Women now make up a larger percentage of the population than men do, and Clinton brings the care and experience we need to truly help out new majority gain equality. She knows that all victims of rape and sexual assault deserve to be heard, unless the rapist was her husband, then those women have no right to speak up.

Clinton realizes that the War on Drugs has failed, impacting far more minority groups than white people, but rather than making the rational decision and ending it, she is going to simply make sure people of all ethnicities can be imprisoned for a plant, because just as Chelsea Clinton said, marijuana kills.

As a businessman, Trump has completely failed in everything. Clinton however, through her years as never working in the private sector, knows how to get things done. She knows the only way to help keep businesses in the United States is to tax them more, and that making pollution more expensive with a carbon tax will make people do less of it, although naturally that logic does not apply to people hiring less because of an increased minimum wage, which would never happen. In that one case, making hiring more expensive actually makes employers do more of it.

Lastly, does Trump help run a charitable organization that is funded by countries that murder gays and legalize rape against women? I didn’t think so. The Clinton Foundation helps advances LGBTQ and women’s rights around the globe, proudly funded by the biggest violators of those group’s rights. Honestly you gotta give her credit for how sneaky that is. That demonstrates the kind of genius we need in the White House.

All in all, Hillary R Clinton is exactly who this country needs, she’s bringing fresh new ideas like funding terror groups, accepting bribes from corporations and turning a blind eye toward human rights violations, and the fact that she’s not a man certainly boosts her credibility as well.