America should annex Canada (satire)

We need to annex Canada. Those northerners have had it too good for too long, what with their geese and moose and vast reserves of oil– no, wait, I mean, their near identical culture. Yeah, that’s it, their culture is not distinct enough from ours to be an independent nation. I definitely do not want to annex Canada for any black substance located in their vast tar sands or their strategically important position between the United States and Russia, nope, nor is my desire to annex our northern neighbor guided by a desire to expand American markets and crush the dairy monopoly in Canada. How selfish would that be? What kind of jerk would want to annex Canada to do all that? Definitely not me.  

Currently, Canada is nearly identical culturally to the United States: they eat Doritos, they drink Mountain Dew and they love Starbucks. How could we have let them suffer under the tyranny of Canadian rule for so long? We must liberate these Americans; it is our duty to unify these peoples with us.  

On top of this unifying of two long-divided American peoples, annexation could act as a vital unifying endeavor for those of us in the currently badly split United States. It would have broad bipartisan support, with the Republican Party and conservative Democrat Joe Manchin immediately supporting such a measure. It would be like a modern moon-landing, this annexation, and it would only cost a few billion dollars more than another moon landing. It’s a win-win! 

I’m sure some of you have some misgivings about this move, but I assure you, literally whatever you say is wrong and stupid. We need more land. Er, I mean, we need to free the Canadian people from the radical tyranny of, um, who’s their Prime Minister? Trudy? Yes, we must free them from the tyranny of Trudy, as we freed Iraq from the tyranny of Saddam Hussein in 2003, a move which had only positive impacts. If you do not support this annexation, you do not support freedom, which is why as part of this annexation, we will implement a new law which will punish “Canadian activity” and arrest those rabble-rousers who are trying to destroy our newly strengthened union. 

This is the right step forward. We must liberate Canada. We must take their Americans into our fold and we must expand our military into the areas annexed, destroying as much natural environment as possible and forcing as much disgusting patriotism on our newly taken in citizens as feasibly possible. Down with Canada! You belong to us!