DISCLAMER: This advice column is purely satirical. The register does not recommend taking this advice and is in no way held responsible for the outcomes of using this advice!
Q: What do I do when I’m a freshman dating a senior and he has an early out and can’t drive me home?? – Anonymous
A: This is a tricky one, well, not really. May I first say that having a senior bf as a freshman is one of the savagest moves in the book, so I congratulate you on that. Even though you are massively cool for dating a legal adult in every state but Nebraska, I would suggest you find another mode of transportation home from school. Skipping half your classes to drive home with your bae may seem fun, but life is more than tik-toks and close mouth kissing… sometimes… you must… go to school. I know that seems scary, but you’re only a freshman, it’s the easiest year so take advantage of it now. JK obviously ditch school and ride home with your man! He will be leaving for LA soon to pursue his music/modeling/acting career so spend as much time now with him as you can!
Q: How do I stop the rumor that I have mouth herpes? – Anonymous
A: Well, first off, I would get tested for it because over half the time, rumors are true so maybe check on that first. From there, assuming you are clean, honestly just contract actual herpes and spread it around the school; that will really show them! If you didn’t have mouth herpes before, you do now, and the best part? So does the rest of the school! One of the best ways to debunk a rumor is to do whatever you are accused of because it makes it obvious how wrong they were before. I hope this helps you out Jon… I mean anonymous!
Q: How do I avoid getting hypothermia and heat stroke simultaneously when switching from my classroom to the musty hallway? – Anonymous
A: I think this is a question every student has at the moment, and the answer would be to bring your winter coat with you to the cold class, then cut it up and turn it into sweat bands to absorb all of the heat you will accumulate in the hallway. If you aren’t super committed to cutting up your neon Justice coat quite yet, then I would recommend investing in one of those portable fans that also sprays water for the heat (it’s also great because you can spray the slow walkers/freshman in the hallway, but DON’T spray Mrs. reed!!!). A cost-effective way to deal with the artic temperatures in the swing rooms would be to bring your comforter with you to class. I know what you’re thinking: “What do I do with my comforter in all of my other non-freezing classes?” Well I have an answer if you would just be patient. Obviously, you would turn the comforter into a makeshift backpack. All you need is a rubber band and scissors along with the comforter; the rest is self-explanatory. I hope this helped!!