Are skinny jeans going to kill you?

December 20, 2019

Skinny jeans: the staple piece in the closet of every member of every family in Omaha. They go with everything! Suck it in! (Both common reassurances).

They are always very tight, but how tight is too tight?

Over 2,000 men have reported urinary tract infections, twisted testicles, bladder weakness and other long-term health consequences, all from sporting skinny jeans (according to a British survey). Pants that are too tight can create so much friction as to cause genital infections.

Even if the jeans finally fit, one can never be safe from the endless possibilities. According to BBC news, clothing that restricts a great deal of movement causes the loss of shock-absorbing qualities. This creates pressure in the knees and hips, and if it consistently happens for a long period of time, joints eventually begin to grind together.

Sitting, and especially squatting, in skinny jeans can cut off the blood supply to muscles and compress nerves behind the knees, causing extended loss of feeling in legs, feet and toes. A 35-year-old woman required four days in the hospital because she was unable to walk after losing feeling from the hip down. Because there was so much swelling in her abdomen and legs, the jeans had to be cut off her body by doctors.

Tight Pants Syndrome: an actual occurrence that is recognized by severe abdominal pain for 2-3 hours after a large meal and skinny jeans. Sometimes, there is as much as a 3-inch difference between the waist measurement of the jeans and the waist measurement of the person wearing them.

Skinny jeans should fit like leggings. They should be snug, yet stretchy enough to pull from the legs. Some skinny jeans have an elastic waist (preferable), while others have a button closure. According to Victoria Beckham of DVB Denim, jeans should be flat around stomach (not squeezing organs) to avoid unnecessary hospital visits.

Even though skinny jeans will always have a place in the hearts of Midwestern hicks, they are deemed not functional, and not worth days in intensive care.

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