Register Staff Power Rankings

Daniel Graham, Staff Writer

I am a senior, and this will be my final column for The Register. While other seniors might be writing pieces about their high school experience or reflections on what The Register has meant to them, I have decided I will give my opinions on our newspaper staff.
What follows is the definitive Register staff power rankings, the top ten members of our newspaper staff (the ones who will make the playoffs). Although performance as a journalist may be mentioned in some of my explanations of my rankings, this really has nothing to do with journalism.
Instead, I have based my opinions on how I feel at the moment of this writing. This will be, in every way, a biased list. That said, no other writer on this paper is creating a power ranking of their own, so this is also the official list. No one can question it; no one can doubt it.
To any Register staff members who wanted to be higher on the list, you did this to yourself. If anyone had bothered to bribe me, I would have placed them at number one right away; I hold no ethics or morals in the creation of this list.
Without further ado, let us begin:

10. Charlie Yale (Sophomore, Web Editor)
Yale is on this list purely because of his height. At 6’5–by far the tallest Register staff member—there was no way I could justify leaving him off. Before making this list, I told him he would be in the top five. That was a lie for which I feel no remorse.
He is the only sophomore on this list, and there is no way I could justify putting an underclassman any higher than the ten spot. To add to this, he wrote an article last month claiming that La Croix is the best drink ever, a clear display of a disturbing lack of taste in beverages.
On top of both of those things, Yale is also a Denver Nuggets fan—not a problem in and of itself, but he believes that Nuggets superstar Nikola Jokic should win the NBA’s MVP award over Milwaukee Bucks superstar Giannis Antetokounmpo. It’s opinions like these that make me think Yale doesn’t even want to be on this list.
Yale is lucky to be here this year, but when he becomes a junior and hopefully has some change in taste and NBA opinions next year, he could make a run at the top three.

9. Grace Ridgley (Senior, Section Editor)
Ridgley is the lowest-ranked senior on this list. The reason for this is that in my sophomore year, Ridgley was on The Register staff and had her newspaper class the same period I had my journalism class. She did not bother to tell me that I could sit in the back with her and fellow sophomore Stella Mogis until there were only a few weeks left in third quarter, at the end of which school would close for the rest of the year due to the pandemic.
As a result, I had to spend months of that school year sitting in class amongst some of the most annoying people on the planet—freshmen. Some of those freshmen who were in that class are on staff right now, and, let me be clear, none of them are exceptions to this, no matter how high I rank them here.
Some might say that Ridgley did not know me at the start of the year, but I say that’s hardly an excuse. So, Ridgley comes in at nine for subjecting me to those months of trauma.

8. Elena Correa (Junior, Section Editor)
Correa made this list because, like me, they are an IB student. This, of course, is a double-edged sword, because although IB students are very smart, we are also, by nature, very annoying. Thus, all three IB students on our staff must be on this list, but none—excluding myself, of course—can make the top five.
Correa is also a Minnesota Timberwolves fan. This is, in and of itself, is not a problem; the Timberwolves have never been good enough for anyone to dislike them, and they certainly do not pose any challenge to the Bucks. They are a fun, up-and-coming team with a chance to make the playoffs this year.
The problem is that Correa’s favorite player on this team is D’Angelo Russell, who is, without a doubt, the least likable star on the Timberwolves. It baffles me that a person could see a team with players like Karl-Anthony Towns and Anthony Edwards and decide to root for Russell instead.
All this said, Correa is also a frequent attendee of Student Progressives, a club which I help run, so they are certainly deserving of a spot on this list. If they become a fan of a different Timberwolves star in the next year, they could find themselves all the way up at the sixth spot in no time.

7. Noemi Gilbert (Junior, Copy Editor)
Gilbert is the other member of the IB Programme on the newspaper staff, which is why they find themself on this list as well. It also helps that they are an involved member of Student Progressives—at times, more involved than myself—and they will hopefully take it over it next year.
However, Gilbert has the fatal flaw of once being a theater kid. Of course, they have since seen the light and reformed, but once someone has been a theater kid, they can never truly change.
This, combined with the fact that Gilbert is now an IB kid and with the fact that Gilbert was one of those freshmen in my journalism class, means that they have reached their ceiling in these power rankings. Although seven is not bad, I am afraid that they will never reach greater heights.
While dropping out of IB may seem like a way to improve in these rankings, it is not. While IB kids are annoying, leaving IB makes you a quitter, and no one likes a quitter. Thus, Gilbert is locked into their position at number seven here for the foreseeable future, though they are sure to experience success in ways that might actually matter down the line.

6. Livia Ziskey (Senior, Editor-in-Chief)
Ziskey is our editor-in-chief and got first place in her category at state journalism last year. She is one of the best, if not the best, writers on this paper, and she is looking to continue to pursue journalism in college.
This may make you wonder why she is ranked so low here, but the reason for that is simple: we have a standard to uphold. If Yale makes it onto this list because he is the tallest person on our staff, Ziskey cannot make it into the top five because she is the shortest person on staff.
Some might argue that on a newspaper staff, heigh shouldn’t hold any importance, but I would disagree. As a person of extremely average height, I can tell you that being tall is one of the coolest things a person can do in their lifetime, and something I aspire to do one day.
Thus, unless she has some miracle growth spurt, Ziskey will have a hard time in the power rankings of any newspaper staff she joins in the future, though I imagine she will do some phenomenal work in those places.

5. Lucy Mason (Senior, Photographer)
Against my better judgment, Mason has snuck into the top five on this list. I want to make it clear that she only made it here by default. As a senior, she was guaranteed a spot somewhere on this list, and when it came down to it, I had to fill out my top five.
She is not an IB student and she comes in at about 5’5, giving her the right to a spot up here. Since she had beaten out Yale by being an upperclassman, all she had to do was overtake Ridgley for the spot, which was an easy task, as she never forced me to sit in a class full of freshmen for months on end.
Mason’s failings include an inability to smell and to digest lactose. Despite this latter failing, Mason often consumes dairy at lunch, going so far as to get a milk carton on some days, which even those who can digest lactose almost never choose to get, as drinking milk on its own is gross and weird.
That said, Mason is a member of our seventh period newspaper class, and it would not be the same without her. She is also, I suppose, a good photographer. Though she snuck in here by default, do not think she was by any means undeserving of this fifth spot.

4. Callan Maher (Senior, Staff Writer)
Maher made it into the top five for similar reasons to Mason, but she was able to take the fourth spot for two simple reasons: she asked to be ahead of Mason, and she is a Bucks fan.
These two reasons come with major caveats, though. When she asked to be ahead of Mason, she also asked to be ahead of me in these rankings. That, of course, was a preposterous request which would have destroyed all the legitimacy of this list. While I originally had her at number three, I had to bump her down to fourth for that.
The other caveat is that Maher, as a Bucks fan, regularly challenges the validity of my own fandom of the team, as I did not become a fan of the team until 2019, when they were at the top of the NBA standings. No matter how many times I explain that I did not become an NBA fan until 2019 and that I chose the Bucks because my sibling goes to college in Milwaukee, she refuses to accept my fandom. This is rich coming from someone who only watches ten games a year.
Of course, Maher is deserving of her spot as well, because without her, I would not know what is going on with The Register, as she pays attention for me. Her ability to explain things to people that they have already been told will serve her well in her future as an educator.

3. Shyla Youngs (Junior, Staff Writer)
Youngs is ranked this high on the list because she asked to be placed here, but unlike Maher, she did not ask to be ranked above me. Thus, as she meets all the criteria for making the top five—being an upperclassman, not being the shortest member on the staff, and not being an IB kid—so I can place her in the top three without fear of losing my legitimacy.
Youngs is not without her flaws; although she is not the shortest person on the staff, she is dangerously close to it, and is likely to assume the mantle next year when Ziskey leaves. Of course, as long as she is not the shortest, she is allowed a spot in the top five, but unless we have some short students joining us next year, this may be her only year to be this high in the rankings.
Of course, if her height were not a factor, Youngs would have no fear of remaining in the top three each year, as she is a member of our vaunted seventh period and a good journalist to boot.

2. Daniel Graham (Senior, Staff Writer)
If you were expecting me to remove myself from these rankings because I am the one writing them, you clearly haven’t met me. Those of you who have met me might be a little surprised I put myself in second place, but you’ll understand once you see who’s in first, and besides, second place has always suited me well.
My reasons for placing myself this high are simple: I’m a senior, I’m a Bucks fan, and I’m a member of seventh period newspaper, the greatest class to ever do it.
I am, indeed, an IB student, but I make up for that by being incredibly cool and a genius, according to all people everywhere all the time. What’s more, I consider myself to be the beating heart of this newspaper, and you can’t keep a beating heart out of the top five.

1. Conor Harley (Junior, Staff Writer)
Harley at number one should be a surprise to no one; his presence up here needs no explanation. He is the only person on this newspaper staff to whom I could ever come in second, and it is an honor to be so close to him.
The only thing keeping Harley from absolutely running away with this race is the fact that he is a Chicago Bulls fan, but even then, he is a self-aware fan, as he knows that if the Bulls face the Bucks in the playoffs, the Bucks will obliterate them with ease.
By every metric and every standard, Harley is the best member of The Register staff, and he is my pick for this year’s Most Valuable Staff Member Award.

These are the official Register staff power rankings. Take them or leave them, they are definitive and unquestionable in every way. Though I am not quite sure what I am ranking these staff members for—I think I switched between an MVP power ranking comparison and a team power ranking comparison—I stand behind every one of my picks, and I refuse to hear anyone who may challenge them.